ΕΞΟΜΟΛΟΓΗΣΕΙΣ

Who cares if one more light goes out?In a sky of a million starsIt flickers,Who cares when someone's time runs out?If a moment is all we areLyrics from Chester Bennington, my favorite artist, who committed suicide last Friday. I grow up listening to his music. In his memory, I will talk to you about suicide and depression.04/01/2014 was the day I decided to take my own life. I was suffering for years with anxiety, which lead to severe panic attacks, which lead me to suicide thoughts. Everything was ready, I cleaned the house, I wrote three letters (family, girlfriend and friends) and I was walking around the house for the last check. You may think someone who is ready to kill himself is sad and crying. No, I was calm and feeling relived. It is hard to admit, but, that moment I didn’t care how they are going to handle my loss. As I was closing the door of my bedroom, I took a look of the walls, they were covered by notes. I had an idea to prevent an illness, that I was working for a long time, “well, it doesn’t matter now” I said. I went to the room that I had decided to be found. I wasn’t afraid. I was waiting for that moment! One more check in my head… probably my gf will be the first to worry about me, also has the keys of my house… Everything into place, too bad I’ll never find out if my idea would work.That thought moved me. I had worked really hard on this project and I wasn’t even half way there. To be fully developed, I need to finish university, work as a volunteer in a medical center in order to do a Master on the subject. What I am thinking? This will never happen; my panic attacks are so severe I can’t even get out the house. I surely need a psychologist, who I can’t afford. I was struggling with that thoughts for more than an hour, my phone ringed. My girlfriend. -Hey, how are you? Do you want to watch a movie later?-Hey, It’s not the right moment…-Ok I get it (she knew about my panic attacks, only). I’ll let you calm down. Will you call me later?- … I … I (I wanted to say I don’t know) … I will- Great, everything will be fine (again she was referring to my panic attacks). I love you.I sat down, I was crying for hours, I couldn’t handle it, but I took the decision to give life one last chance! One last chance for me, one last for my project and my work.Later that week I found out that sessions to university psychologist were free. Her name was Helen. I didn’t tell her about my suicide thoughts, only about my panic attacks. I will never forget the first day. She asked me why I am stressed and what is wrong with my life that I didn’t like… I replied that everything was perfect but for some reasons I have panic attacks.Little I know, everything was wrong. After two months, my suicide thoughts were gone and one year later I was able to handle my anxiety. I fixed my life to the routes, I learned how to set boundaries to people. On our official last sessions she was telling how amazed she was by my change and that I was her best “patient”. I replied:-Thank god, I didn’t kill myself that day…She freaked out, -You didn’t, what? I forgot that I never told her about my suicide thought and she forced five more sessions to check me again.One year later, my girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue (we were together for 6 years). My suicide thoughts come back immediately. I went back to Helen the following day.-I’m not ok, she broke up with me, after all the things I’ve done to her. Please HELP. My suicide thoughts are back.-There is no need to start again. If you want to come here every morning and cry on my shoulder, do it, but sooner or later you ‘ll realize that this is the best thing that ever happen to you! I was trying for more than a year to help you see that she wasn’t the one for you! I hated her for what she done to you all this years! Don’t be afraid of your suicide thoughts any more. They are in your head to tell you, you are not happy! Of course, you are not happy now, wait it’s still fresh, they will fade away. If not, I’m here for you!She was right, after a couple of weeks they were gone. Also, after my ex, I never had panic attacks again. Now I know, I will never be healed from suicide thoughts. And I don’t want to! I don’t have them now, there are deep in my head but will rise again when I start to live a life that I don’t want! Ether I am going to kill myself or going to live a life that I dreamed of.If you are struggling with the same thoughts, please talk to someone! Your brain doesn’t want to kill you, it wants to help you! Suicide is just a bad miscalculation of it, there are many ways and reasons to live!Today, I have my university degree, I went to the clinic as a volunteer, next year I ‘ll take my Master degree and at the same time I am working on my startup idea to prevent Heart Failure.Thank you for listening me and I want to finish with the rest of the lyrics:If a moment is all we areWe're quicker Who cares if one more light goes out?Well … I do (βρήκα και την εξομολογηση μου απο το 2014 http://www.lifo.gr/confessions/view/136073)