ΕΞΟΜΟΛΟΓΗΣΕΙΣ

THE INTERROGATORKatherine plays the role of the interrogator. She would have made a good lawyer. She controls others by playing with their need for her approval. She does this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others’ ability or correctness in what they are doing. She is always ready to criticize how they have done something, or question why they have done it in a particular way. She gets their attention and can control them by making them answer to her questions about what they are doing.She tends to give advice even when unsolicited and needs to express her opinion concerning whatever may be being discussed. She feels that she needs to be more knowledgeable than others are.She is seldom able to see herself or her own faults. This would be too painful for her. Her over critical nature would make it unbearable for her to perceive her own faults. She learned as a child that mistakes are unacceptable.Her questions are penetrating and often accusations in disguise. She binds people into long discussions in which they attempt to defend their position or actions, to no avail.In reality, Katherine has many doubts about herself and needs to discover others’ mistakes in order to feel her own self worth. For her, someone must be right and someone else wrong. There is no possibility of both being right or both being wrong. She needs to prove that she is right and the other is wrong. When she manages to do this, she feels energized, and feels her self worth.This is, of course, very frustrating for those who live and work with her. Her constant criticism and accusation hurt them. They would like to be accepted, loved and approved of.What can Katherine and those around her do?Some beliefs that might cause Katherine to behave in this way are:1. Whoever knows more is more worthy and more respected.2. Whoever is right is worthier than the other is.3. I know better than the others do.4. I am not sure about my self worth and need to prove it in relationship to others.5. The only way in which I can protect myself and my self worth is by finding faults in others.6. Everyone is required to function according to my beliefs.7. There can be only one right answer to a question and only one right way to do something.8. Either I am right or they are. I must prove that I am.9. I am the judge and I decide who is correct and who is not.Some beliefs that might help Katherine free herself from this role are:1. I accept and love myself exactly as I am.2. I accept and love others exactly as they are.3. Our self worth is not a matter of who knows more, or who is right. All deserve to be loved and respected as they are.4. I respect other peoples’ need to grow and function in their own unique ways.5. I respect each being’s inner wisdom.6. I would rather be loved than be right.7. I would not like others to criticize and correct me continuously.8. Being right does not attract love, but love does.Those near to her could benefit from the following beliefs:1. My self worth is independent of what others think.2. My self worth is independent of the results of my efforts.3. She doubts herself and is simply trying to find her self worth or get my attention.4. I give her attention in positive ways so that she does not need to resort to interrogating.5. We can love each other even when we do not agree.6. I deserve love and acceptance exactly as I am.7. I am safe and secure even when others do not agree with me.8. I am safe and secure even when I make a mistake.9. I am not perfect but I deserve to be loved and respected exactly as I am.10. Being right does not attract love, but love does.11. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.One of those near to her might try the following communication.“Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously to be in the position of answering your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and accusing me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim and at others I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator.“This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you have doubts and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to try to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me.“Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.“I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do.“I am very interested in knowing how do you feel about this?”From THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HAPPINESSby Robert Elias Najem