On Holy Thursday there's this one called Epitafios in which a lot of old widowed women, spinsters and cat ladies are gathered in church late at night and start decorating the grave of Jesus with abhorring flowers which are often thrown against Greek singers' faces as to prevent them from singing. When I say grave, I mean a LACK IKEA table or some other cheap piece of this sort where they put an icon of Jesus or a family picture with Baby Jesus cuddling with His mother or the other one with the public breastfeeding. When it's fully garnished and so appalling you wish you went instantly blind, then muscular, cross-fitted men take the table onto their hands and start walking around the neighborhood with hundreds of believers following them while holding candles and fatal accidents may occur, for example people can be burnt to death or lose their hair or if they're lucky they just end up with holes in their clothes. When they return back to church, every Christian that respects himself has to pass under the Epitafios in order to complete the task and take the extra Christianity points.
During Holy Friday the sky is always gloomy and kind of sad because Jesus is dead dead. Rumor has it that Stealth Aircrafts of the Church fly above the sky that day and with the method of cloud seeding they cause artificial cloudiness and rain but it's quite known that the Church has no clue when it comes to science so this can't be true. In addition, the church bells chime mournfully at intervals all day long and in the end they can get really annoying and drive you crazy like the Water Chinese Torture but somehow you too have to suffer for the death of Jesus, so there.
Every year on Holy Saturday, Jesus is resurrected exactly at midnight, not a minute later, so I guess he's not as much of a snooze button fan. The boss priest of every church puts on his best dress and make-up and every piece of jewelry he owns and then goes out and shares with the flock the Holy Light which just arrived from Jerusalem by its own private plane, no Ryanair bullshit. After that, all believers go carefully to their houses with their candles lit to eat the famous Magiritsa while they sing the Smiths' big hit "There is a light that never goes out". Magiritsa is a dish that you either love or hate. In order to prepare it, you will need lots of lamb organ donors to supply you with their kidneys, livers, pancreases, guts, lungs and hearts. It sounds like a vegan's worst nightmare but it's actually pretty tasty, mainly because it's past midnight and you are starving to death so even fasolakia may sound tempting. In case you don't know what fasolakia are, you are a very lucky person, so let's keep it that way. After dinner, everybody can barely move from the vast amounts of meat they've eaten so they just stay home and watch anachronistic bouzoukia programs from the 90's until they pass out, drooling on the sofa pillows.
During another tradition, Christians boil some eggs, paint them red and start egg fights against each other. The whole process is a reenactment of the Pokémon Battles and the pokéballs and all this Picachu stuff, God I miss Pokémon, why did you kill them? Anyway, the duel ends when one of the eggs breaks or one of the contestants gets a life and starts doing things that actually do matter. That being said, it's really stupid and you end up eating all the smashed eggs which is bad for your cholesterol and your breath as well.
Another special thing we do during Easter is the vegetarian diet that lasts forty days and it ends eventually on the Easter Sunday when the good Christians eat lamb which was roasted in a not so gentle way because they use a long, iron stick that tears the poor animal from mouth to butt and then they roast it over the fire while they gather around and watch it rotate and every so often they drag with their bare hands the outer layers of fat which used to cover the deceased sheep and eat them with delight. Of course the forty-day diet is not obligatory but it's believed that if you follow it you will eventually go to heaven while the ones that were eating meat the entire period will be burning in hell in big, high boilers for all eternity while listening to Nicki Minaj's songs but apart from that, God is merciful and kind and full of love and understanding so chill.
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